The Yearnings of My Soul

Oh that I were an angel, and could have the wish of mine heart, that I might go forth and speak with the trump of God, with a voice to shake the earth, and cry repentance unto every people!.... I would do anything it takes. (https://www.lds.org/scriptures/bofm/alma/29.1?lang=eng#0) I pray for opportunities to share the gospel, I look for opportunities to serve, and yet I feel spiritually weak. Lord, what can I be doing wrong? 

I am slipping from the missionary that I once was. I haven't taught a single investigator lesson for over 9 weeks. As a missionary surrounded by others in our zone who have churches, investigators, people to work with….. it is hard to think of the members in Laos with none of that. I cry myself to sleep thinking of them. The members in Lao deserve more than this. The Lord knows when the time will come…. But when Lord? When will we begin again the work of salvation? All I can do is pray and fast. Pray… fast some more…. Cry some more…. More prayers…. Occasional lessons on the phone. 

Oh how I wish I could spread the Gospel to every person on the streets of Vientiane. They are my brothers and sisters. Oh how I wish I could ask God when his people in Laos would not suffer any longer. Oh that I were an angel, and could know the purposes of God's eternal plan. Oh that I were an angel, and could speak to the heart of my dear spirit family. Oh that I were an angel, that the reality of idleness could not shake me. Oh that I were an angel, always keeping my thoughts clean and abounding in virtue and good works. 

Brothers and Sisters, I am not an angel. I am weak. I slip up. I make big mistakes. I don't always deliver. At times it seems like everything is about to fall apart. And sometimes, it does. It is times like these that the Spirit prompts me to think about the yearnings of my soul. Where do I fit in all of this? How does my attitude affect others? Am I spiritually killing myself? 

My trial of faith may not come with any sort of logical or statistical analysis, or a car that takes off both of my legs, but maybe it is something that wounds the soul. It comes from discouragement. It comes from lost hope. It comes from factors concerning the soul. When the soul searches for its answer but comes up empty. When the yearnings of my soul can't turn into a reality…. I take a hit. 

I am getting hit hard right now. The members in Lao are getting hit even harder. The Church building cannot solve that problem, nor can any number of baptisms. The solution is not a number. It is not something we can touch. The yearnings of our souls can only be filled spiritually. That is the reason we continually read the scriptures. That is why we fast. That is why we go to church. That is why we pray. That is why we use the Atonement of Jesus Christ. 

My dear brothers and sisters, Jesus Christ is there because he wants to help you with the yearnings of your soul. If you need healing, you take that time to heal. If you need a day's rest, you take it. If you need to say sorry for yelling at your wife, you do it. The yearnings of our soul are not found by a stethoscope, but by a deep Godly instinct. 

Oh that I were an angel, and could visit each one of you to tell you how much I love you. Oh that I were an angel, and could help you understand the smallest sacrifice that these members in Laos go through each day. Their spirit carries mine every day. Even yesterday, 16 members from Laos woke up at 3 o'clock in the morning and traveled 6 hours to go to church in another country. The yearnings of their soul were made manifest by their action of faith. What faith and consecration these people have for the Lord. I am trying to be like them. I am trying to be like Jesus…. But ??? He is a long shot, so I try to stick with reachable goals. And if one day I can have half the faith as some of the disciples here do…… my joy will be full. OH that I were an angel, that I may see the blessings laid in store for the Lord's people in Laos, for how great shall be their joy in the kingdom of our Father. 

We are hanging in there. We will patiently wait. We want to worship the Father. We will do whatever it takes. So will the Lord. He has not forgotten his people in Laos. He will never give up on the people that he gave his life to save. You are worth it. I love you all. I pray for you every waking second of the day.